Honor: 54 [ Give / Take ]
39 entries this month
Therapy of Sorts
17:55 Jul 31 2008
Times Read: 959
I just got back from the doctor for my feet. He has set me up with 10 weeks of physical therapy with 3 to 4 sessions a week. Yay, right? It starts next Wednesday and I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to move after it. The good news is something's getting done now.
On the 26th of August I go back to him. If the therapy isn't helping, he's going to order MRI's and other tests. I wonder what all is going to come from this.
He did say that I might end up eventually getting surgery again but we're trying to prevent it before it comes to that.
*sighs* This is going to be fun...
Travain
16:24 Jul 28 2008
Times Read: 974
By 6 p.m. tomorrow evening, I will have settled my second village on Travain. It's next to Brett's first one.
He's got his three settlers right now so when he gets back from the interview or home from work, he can look for a spot somewhere near my first village.
My population of the first one is at 354 so I'm barely over the agreed amount but I made it! LOL!
I'm impatient and I'm wanting my people to settle already. I want to start building. This village is the same as my first on resources, except there's an extra clay. The clay is what I'm always running out of in my first village so yeah.
I'm thinking of names for this village. I have one that I like so I might be going with that one. LOL!
14:37 Jul 28 2008
Times Read: 978
Caveman that's not so caveman?!? LOL!
NEVER EVER get the dust from drywall on a dress top when you have to leave for an interview in less then 15 minutes!!!
I knew I couldn't break the caveman! I did get it out of his pants and out of his top too!
Leave it to my uncles to get him to help with the drywall for my kitchen. What makes it even better is I can't get into my fridge or my bathroom! *sniffles*
What am I used to eat? What about Aurora's kool-aid? Oh wow, this is going to be fun. I'm probably out of the fridge and bathroom for three days at the very least.
Looks like mommy's here I come...
Updated pictures of a Brett Brett. I'm hoping to get some better ones when he comes home... depending on the condition of it.
I think I succeeded... too bad Aurora doesn't recognize him anymore. She was screaming her head off last night when he talked to her after he got his hair cut and shaved. I felt bad but couldn't help but laugh my ass off! LOL!
Does the Dehydrated Fishy Need Put Back Into the Water?
13:06 Jul 28 2008
Times Read: 982
How dehydrated can one person get while drinking at least three-five big cups of kool-aid a day plus some water?
I don't know but looks like according to my mom that I'm finding out.
My urine is a brown color. It's been getting darker and darker the past few days. Bad thing is I've been drinking more and more fluids the past few days.
What the heck is going on with me?
*And I'm sure people just really wanted to know about my pee! LOL!*
Cleaning up the Caveman!00:46 Jul 28 2008
Times Read: 991
Brett Brett pictures! LOL!
Sadly, I'm not going to get to work more on the Darkened Forest today. *sniffles*
I'm cleaning and dealing with Aurora while Brett goes to our friend's house to get his hair cut.
He has his interview tomorrow for AT&T and I got him an outfit, I'm shaving his facial hair off and his hair is getting cut too.
I already have pictures of him before.
Hehe!
I can't wait to see him all dressed up tomorrow! LOL!
I'm a Sitter
05:09 Jul 27 2008
Times Read: 996
Wow, I'm sitting someone's account on Travain. I know he's new and all but he doesn't understand the game at all!
His resources are at level 3, which means with his troops he was only producing 38 wheat per hour. He defiantly needs more then that!
I'm trying to upgrade some of his resources up so that way I have a little bit of something to work with in the morning...
This is hilarious but saddening at the same time. If this guy even gets to settle his second village and do decent with it, sadly it's only going to be because I'm sitting for him for a week.
What I do for people... huh?
21:54 Jul 26 2008
Times Read: 999
By tomorrow afternoon, I should have enough population to fit my deal with myself on Travain. I will be starting my second village. I've been on the site for six days today and I'm liking the game. Starting tomorrow, I will be taking care of my own account, and sitting for Brett's and another friend's account. Three accounts to take care of and keep straight.
I'm also updating things in the Darkened Forest. I'm going to be shocking the forum back to life. Fun, huh?
Maybe Brett will get his ass up and help me clean now. Maybe not...
But either way, I have to clean. Damn it!
I Wanna Paint my Nails and Face!
00:49 Jul 26 2008
Times Read: 1,006
Talking with someone on VR earlier made me think of how much I actually miss just spontaneously doing my make-up and nails. I miss taking random pictures of myself and trying to be creative with it.
I miss all of that.
I miss having the opportunity to become a girly-girl every now and then.
Heck, I would settle on having the time and patience to do my nails right now.
Aurora Bliss
22:04 Jul 25 2008
Times Read: 1,010
Aurora's been sleeping most of the day and night but becoming more active when she's awake. She's taking in everything and can't get enough. It's interesting to see her in public. I think she's going to be anti-social like me, not because I don't take her around other babies or people... but just because of the way she will ignore them on purpose. It's funny to see people in Wal-mart trying to get or keep her attention, I swear they will do anything! LOL!
She's connecting ba-ba with her bottle now. She's drinking kool-aid with less sugar with me and Tyler. And she's getting taller and taller!
Oh and plus she's been sitting up on her own more, trying to crawl still, figuring out how to get different things to work and everything else.
The one thing that worries me is she's going to be left handed. I can already tell. She doesn't do anything without her left hand being dominate over the right. I've been trying to get her to use both hands, but it's showing little results. It's like she cooperates some just to entertain me.
She hasn't been really listening to Brett though. Her and I have down a routine of certain phrases that he doesn't know or say in a serious enough voice.
Some phrases he has caught on to include simple things like
"Hands down"
"No play"
"Stand up and take my hands"
It's just simple things. He really needs to start bonding with her more though. And he needs to stop going to her side when it's the sleepy fusses. She lets them out for about a minute before falling asleep. She just wants to know someone else is in the room. That's all. As soon as she hears me speak and tell her "Night night" she's off to her dream world.
Leave her go to bed.
I already told him that she's not allowed sleeping in her highchair anymore. We have one that reclines and everything. But it's either the pack-and-play, her crib, beside someone, or in their arms. She's allowed to in her carseat when we go out. But that's it. I'm not going to be fighting her again to get her to sleep flat.
Now I will let her sleep in her highchair if she's sick. I don't want her lying flat then. But yeah...
I defiantly have to take some recent pictures and put them in here!
Enough ranting... I'm going to go and clean and get things done. Later.
03:09 Jul 25 2008
Times Read: 1,015
Yeah, the deal with myself didn't work out. I fell asleep because of my iron. I'm still tired. I need to stay awake until Brett gets home at least since Aurora's awake and Tyler's playing video games over here.
Oh how I just want to collapse into my sleep again. No nightmares, no dreams, no stress, no worries, just nothing.
That was a rare sleep for me that I wouldn't mind happening even week at least once.
Compromising With Myself
00:00 Jul 25 2008
Times Read: 1,015
I've made an agreement with myself. If I clean some, fill out my paperwork that has to be mailed out tomorrow, and things.
I will allow myself to read some of my book, meaning probably 50-100 pages, depending on Aurora at the time and I will watch one movie.
Brett will be home in about three and a half hours so I'm cleaning and watching the movie. I'll read my book after he gets home.
I miss being able to relax with a long, hot bath, clean, and still have time to watch television/movies and read all before Brett got home.
I could get everything done in Nashville. I didn't get depressed because I didn't have a job for the most part... especially since I did almosteverything in that apartment. I cleaned, I cooked, and still tried to keep people happy while being in the same space as each other.
I remember Brett getting upset with me because I scrubbed the kitchen floor with a shirt that I cut up.
(We didn't have much money and there was five people in the apartment at that time that lived there.)
I miss those times though. *sniffles*
I Need More Time
20:23 Jul 24 2008
Times Read: 1,017
I must clean today. No more relaxing for a Tiffy. Aurora's asleep. I have things upgrading on Oil Empire and both (Brett's and mine) Travian accounts. It's really nice how Brett can make me a sitter.
I'm also going to be sitting for another person in our alliance for a week next week. I think I'm going to have a lot more done then what he thinks by the time he gets back. The only thing I'm questioning is he really shouldn't be worried about a palace yet, or I don't think so. He doesn't really have what can be considered a decent army yet... so yeah.
I'm book is calling me. I want to read. I want to watch a couple of movies.
But there's no time today. Pretty soon, Delilah's brother or whoever is going to be coming to live with them for a little bit. That means three more people to be around... yeah it's not working with me.
So I'm trying to clean. Brett's not helping right now. He's making more of a mess. He's not throwing away what he needs to and things.
*sighs*
I want more time to do everything in.
I Can Hear Myself Think
23:22 Jul 23 2008
Times Read: 1,029
I admitted something to Brett last night and as I did tears were stinging my eyes.
It's hard to admit that through everything and being strong for him up here... I can't cope with all the change.
This all feels like a dream. The changes I've gone through within my life the past year are insane when thinking about it.
I'm actually thinking about listing them all in another journal entry.
But how do you cope with changes?
The small ones and the huge, life-changing ones?
I just want to know. It's something I'm trying to work on and I can't figure this one out. I guess it's not time for me to tackle that one, huh?
I was supposed to be cleaning today but Aurora's not fussy, Tyler's out with mom and grandma, and Brett's at work.
It's quiet and peaceful.
I'm spending my time on Travian and watching movies.
I've watched Sweeney Todd, Beowulf, and now 28 Week Later.
I've watched them before but I've never really gotten to "watch" them. Anyone with kids will defiantly understand that one.
I'm thinking of reading some of my book later on. I had to restart it because of everything going on in the past couple of months.
Could this be the Calm After the Storm?
21:46 Jul 23 2008
Times Read: 1,037
Is it bad that I turned down going to spend time with family?
I'm actually motivated to clean. I'm becoming social on another site because of the alliance I'm in. I'm planning on doing some things to the coven this weekend. I've been spending time with Brett and actually not being clingy.
We need to go to get milk and things tonight so we will see how I react.
But I feel better. I'm losing weight the healthy way.
I've started drinking kool-aid again. Yummy! ♥
It's all coming together again... I don't know how. I don't know if it will come apart at the seams again...
But I'm going to enjoy it for now.
Plus Brett's going to see about a job working on computers that pays $15/hour.
His interview for ATT is on the 28th and they're looking for experienced people. They pay $9.25 base. I know they were talking of increasing it for experience.
Aurora's becoming more playful instead of fussy. She still has her nightmare days but she's calming down.
Everything is calming down and I like it.
Doing a Little Better
02:00 Jul 22 2008
Times Read: 1,048
I'm starting to feel a little bit better.
I'm not so nervous in the parking lot of department stores so next is to get the courage to go in with Brett and Aurora.
She needs some different baby foods so I'm planning on going within the next two days.
If I can get out of this, I know I will. I can't let myself though.
I am wanting to be more social. I want to go to Chris' this weekend and see how things go. There's going to be at least six grown ups, one toddler, and two babies there. I'm not looking forward to that much but I am wanting to play Dungeons and Dragons.
I'm hoping I don't start feeling nervous to the point I want to leave. I still really don't want to be around Nirguna.
He had the nerve to call on Saturday, knowing my uncle's burial was on Friday, asking for dice because no one else has thought of buying any.
It pissed me off. He should have just left Brett and me alone. I want him away from me, yet he's in the campaign.
I wonder if there's a way I could make my character stronger to kill his character off. I think at that point I would get god-smacked and Chris would probably let Nirguna roll up another character.
*sniffles* At least my Brett Brett does understand where I come from at most times.
I'm Wrong, of Course!
19:33 Jul 20 2008
Times Read: 1,064
Why does it seem like no matter what I do, I'm wrong?
I had Brett taking care of Aurora for the most part for the past few days because of my uncle, who was close to me, dying and also things going on with my family.
WRONG!
I had Brett cleaning today because he always goes through the house destroying everything that I've cleaned.
WRONG!
I don't have a job.
WRONG!
I don't get much done when Aurora's fussy.
WRONG!
I don't go out with friends.
WRONG!
I go out and try to enjoy other people or spend time with Brett.
WRONG!
I can't do anything right. I'll never have anyone's approval, not even my own. I'll never be good enough.
For heaven sakes, I'm making Brett clean a little to try to prove a point, I'm horribly wrong and should burn in lazy female hell!
I hate people! Right now, I just want to disappear.
One day earlier this week I said something and hit Brett the wrong way. I wanted to be dead, but since I can't do that for obvious reasons...
I said, I wish something would just happen that I would lay in a hospital bed for the rest of my life as a vegetable.
I wouldn't have to think. I wouldn't have to worry. I could be anti-social and no one would even care. I would be dead, but not.
Tomorrow, I'm calling the dentist for my tooth and the therapist for everything else.
People keep picking on me about every little thing I do and wonder why I just walk away and cry by myself. They wonder why I can't even look them in the eye...
Did they ever think that over the years they have made me believe that I'm not good enough for them?
I'm not good enough for anything. So why the hell do people even want me around?
Ignorance
05:17 Jul 18 2008
Times Read: 1,080
I don't even know how to explain the service today. I'm really ashamed to call one of my cousins family. She's acting insane. She shouldn't even be there. Yes, he was her father. But how could she act like this if she had any respect for him at all?
I'm tired of her and her husband fighting in front of everyone. I'm tired of going in between them. I'm tired of them. I hope my aunt gave her enough money to get home tonight and not make it back for the viewing and burial tomorrow.
Does that make me horrible?
First Day of the Showing
14:54 Jul 17 2008
Times Read: 1,086
The first showing for my Uncle Jeff is today. I want to stay for all of it to be there for my Aunt Sue. But I don't think it's going to be possible. I have a really bad toothache that's causing an insane headache. Plus Aurora's teething and grumpy as all hell. She gets nervous around people too.
I still can't believe he's gone. I keep saying that statement like it's going to wake me up from all of this but that statement is true to me. I can't believe it.
But I'll see it today. I'll go and I'll see him lying there motionless. I'll wait for him to get up and start talking, and it won't happen. Then it will hit me... he's dead. He can't do that, no one can.
Today's going to be trying for me and everyone in my family. My two cousins are already starting problems and my mother and other uncles are prepared to say something if need be. I just hope everyone behaves. That's asking too much from my family though.
I'm hoping to see my Aunt Peggy and to get her number though. I want to talk to her about some things and to also go see the emus.
Brett and I have to go pay bills before everything happens today. So I won't be on here until late, if I do get on.
Later...
And I'm sorry if I haven't replied you from messages you've sent. I will get to that probably tonight or tomorrow night.
Paranoia Within the Mind
02:15 Jul 17 2008
Times Read: 1,100
So, I got some cleaning done. I took a nap with Aurora for about 30 minutes. I feel blahish again but it's not as bad as last night.
I'm planning on cleaning some more tonight after Brett gets home and actually getting something done.
I remember in Nashville I would still clean some when he was home. So what's different now, other then my own personal problems. The anxiety and paranoia make me clingy as hell to him.
I don't want to be clingy. I try not to be. I've been trying to just step away from him at times. It's not healthy for us to be with each other every second that he's home. I know that.
He commented on how clingy I had become a couple of weeks ago. We agreed that we would try to give the other some space... well, for me to give him some space. The next day I found out my uncle only had days left to live. The agreement went out the window...
I want to become less clingy though. I'm thinking tonight letting him do his thing and that way, I can clean some. I might not like it, but I need to get myself out of the habit of always demanding time with him all the time.
Tonight and these next four days is going to really show just how I can actually do this. He's going to be off starting tomorrow and not going back until Monday. It's nice that he's going to be home more then one day.
I need to clean, even if he's home. I need to give him space, even though he's home. It's not so bad. I can do this.
Oh god, the more I even think about it I want to just say the hell with it and stay clingy. I don't think he realizes how terrified I am of something happening to break us up and I just want to get every second I can with him in. The paranoia's there too. I'm so paranoid about him possibly cheating at some point in time but I'm not going to think about it.
He hasn't done anything to make me suspect anything. I'm not going to listen to paranoid little thoughts I have.
He cheated on me once and learned his lesson. He hasn't even attempted to since then and the girl's boyfriend even admitted to me about how many mind games were involved to get him into bed.
I trust him. He knows not to keep it from me, even if he would cheat. He knows that we're friends first and our relationship comes last.
I trust him.
I love him.
Now, I just have to convince myself that he's not going to leave me because of anything and we'll be good.
I just want to be less clingy. I want to feel like I've spent time with him during the day. I want to be able to talk with him about anything face to face and not have to type it out. I want to be able to be left in silence and not cry.
I want a lot of things. Sadly, I'm going to have to work on my own problems to achieve any of them.
This is so not what I was planning on writing but thank you Tommy for the enter button rule. It still helps me out.
More Rambles From a Tiffy
19:20 Jul 16 2008
Times Read: 1,109
Got to love being able to write some things out when I can't even talk about them. The only problem that really comes from it right now is finding the time to get online and write or even to sit down and write in one of my notebooks.
Aurora's getting fussier by the day. She should be getting another tooth either today or tomorrow. I've been giving her Gatorade and apple juice, along with her normal baby foods and formula.
I've decided that I am going to get myself to clean some today. I already have her clothes in the washer. But I'm waiting for her to take her nap to go into a full cleaning of the living room at least.
My right leg and foot hurt really bad today since I got stung by a wasp yesterday on the padding of the ball of my foot. I'm allergic to wasp stings. I'm just happy it didn't get too bad.
I've been driving Brett insane today just being stupid. I think he was happy to go to work to get away from me. LOL! I think I did my job well today since we were both laughing!
I still want to do something for him. I don't know what I could do though. I'm thinking of possibly making up his spell list and printing it out sometime this week. It would help him out with Dungeons and Dragons at least.
I'm also thinking about patching up his other Great Onyx job corp pillow. We both love those things just because of the other. The one ripped when we were fighting over it and things. He keeps saying he's going to patch it but it's been at least three months that this pillow has been bleeding it's fluff stuff.
I think I might do that for him today. *smiles* Wonder if he would like it. LOL! Except would I give it up for him to sleep with? I don't know. I think I will have to ponder that one.
Got to stop typing nonsense that doesn't really mean anything... LOL! I've been rambling a lot lately but it's helping me out some.
The Feelings of Filth
07:15 Jul 16 2008
Times Read: 1,121
I got so disgusted with myself a little while earlier and got irritated with Brett too. I went to take a shower and calm down some. But no matter how much I scrubbed, I didn't feel any cleaner. I still don't. I feel the same.
I feel filthy. I hate this feeling.
I always used to cause myself pain when I felt this way from ages 11 to about 17 years of age. It got my mind on something else. It relieved me of my thoughts.
Now I can't self-harm anymore. If I do, I risk losing my child, my fiancé, and my family. I more so risk losing myself, but right now, I don't see how I could possibly lose "myself" anymore then what I've already done.
While in the shower, I broke the one part of the razor. I was thinking of how easy it would be to get one of the blades out of it. I felt incredibly guilty for thinking my thoughts. I started to sob. I yelled for Brett just because I didn't want to be by myself, but he didn't hear me since he didn't come. I made myself get out.
I'm proud of myself because I did. I also feel dislike for myself because I did. And guilty because of everything going through my mind.
My family really doesn't need to deal with me. Not right now at least. It's not like I let them help me anyway. I don't care to let friends help me too much right now, so why would I feel more comfortable with my family helping me?
I don't want anyone to help me. What's the point? I need to be able to help myself out before anyone can really help me out. I need to be able to deal with myself in silence and solitude. Everyone needs to learn how to do that or at least I think so.
I shouldn't be any different.
02:37 Jul 16 2008
Times Read: 1,129
I think when Brett gets home, I'm going to give him the computer and let him play whatever video games he wants...
And in return...
He takes care of Aurora for me so I can clean a little bit.
But then I don't think I will clean if he's home. I don't know what I'm doing!
Damn it! It was a good idea while it lasted but I just can't keep from cuddling up with my Brett Brett when we're actually together.
Nevermind, this was useless.
Holding Up
00:54 Jul 16 2008
Times Read: 1,131
I can say that I'm holding up. It hasn't really set in still that my uncle's gone. I know if it doesn't before the funeral that it will defiantly hit on Thursday. Brett's going to be home on Thursday and Friday. We're going both days. I made the decision that I want to be there for my aunt.
My stomach's been upset and I've been vomiting up some acid. It's expected of me though.
I got my period yesterday. It takes something off my mind. I was a little over two weeks late and worried that I might have been pregnant. It was really getting to me with everything else that's going on.
Aurora got another tooth last night. It's right next to her first one. I made a deal with her that if she gets two teeth on the bottom and two teeth on top that I'll get her some of the fruit chews and things. I refuse to get her anything small until she understands she has to chew. She's so grumpy though and currently sleeping.
My nephew and her just went swimming today. She loves the water but she wants to be in the bigger pool with him. So it's a really good thing we got her the floating turtle that will keep her afloat.
I'm trying to stay positive with everything going on. It's getting a little bit easier for me to do so right now. I'm wondering if I'm going to be alright at the showings and funeral or not. I want to be able to look at my memories and laugh. I want to be able to celebrate his life and not just dwell on the fact that he's now gone. He's one of the family members I enjoyed being around and talking to, I just hope he realized how much he meant to me.
Brett and I talked last night. He really hurt me walking out like he did. I thought he would have understood how scare I was and am to be alone. He did but for some reason he thought I was angry with him. He thought if he stayed home that we were just going to fight and that's all. So to prevent it, he left. He knows now how abandoned I felt. I let him read my journal last night when he got home. I wish I could have found the energy to yell at him because it would have helped me and him more then the talking did. A lot more things would have been put in the open. I just couldn't though. I was too tired to do much of anything, even after taking two naps.
Today has been interesting. I'm not so tired, but feeling blah. I've been listening to how things are unfolding over at my aunt's house and within my family. It's actually surprising me.
My aunt is taking control of the situation. She's actually standing up for herself towards both my cousins. I can't believe it. I just hope she keeps on doing it. She really needs to do so.
I haven't really been hungry. Yesterday, I was vomiting everything up. Today, I don't want anything. I ate two grilled cheese sandwiches with Brett, Tyler, and my grandmother. And I ate some small steaks with veggies with my mom, grandmother, Tyler, Nala, and Uncle Bill. That's it. I don't really want anything else and I probably won't eat anything else today.
I've been wanting to clean, but still no motivation. I want to do something for Brett though. I just don't know what. I want to lighten the mood between us some since it's been weird and a little nerve-wrecking lately. We played some video games together last night while talking. It lightened the mood some. I want to work on my D&D character with him tonight or tomorrow.
Speaking of D&D, we've been participating in another campaign called Thorne. Our friend, Chris, is DMing and Nirguna is playing in it with us. Brett brought him into it.
*sighs*
Well, Brett's getting tired of me being right about people and things. Nirguna is trying to get Brandon, Jimmy and Stevie into this campaign and I really don't want it to happen.
I don't even want Nirguna in it. He's been ruining it for me. He argues about the rules. How can you argue when the number one house rule is "DM rules?" He's wanting a "pet" that will do his bidding since I have an animal companion and Brett has a familiar. What the hell? Pissy much?
If I go to the game this weekend, I don't know if I'll be playing or not. I don't want Nirguna to touch me or even talk to me. He was making me mad. When I said something about my uncle, he would butt in saying that my uncle needed to eat fruits and vegetables and even went as far as telling me he needed to stay away from the doctors. My uncle wouldn't have lived as long as he did without medicine and technology. You're an ass, Nirguna.
My nephew wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for medical advances and the doctors interfering. Neither would Courtney. My dad wouldn't have lived so long. And so many other people that I know wouldn't have ever met me.
He needs to shut up. I swear if he tells me that my uncle just needed to eat veggies and fruit when I see him again... I won't stop myself from saying something or worse. Brett already told me that he doesn't care if I go off on him.
I don't want that though. I will tell him what I have to say, but I want to just walk away. But Nirguna's on of those people that don't know when to shut up. He never does... never!
I'm beginning to despise him though. It's just his personality. I can't stand it anymore.
And surprisingly, it's not just me. Brett feels that way too. LOL!
I want to go to Chris' though. I laugh there. I feel somewhat like me when I'm there. It's nice. Brett's noticed it too.
It's funny that I might be getting four days with Brett. I hate the circumstances though. Thursday and Friday are going to be used up with my family. But Saturday and Sunday are hopefully going to be mostly for me and him.
22:28 Jul 14 2008
Times Read: 1,147
I have so many things I need to be doing right now. So much cleaning that has been put off for one reason or another.
Brett was supposed to do some this morning... Yeah, that really happened. I didn't really expect it to.
Now I need to find the motivation to get all of this done by myself.
Aurora's screaming her head off. She's got couple of teeth trying to come through. One's on the top and the on the bottom. I wish I could calm her down some though. She just keeps on getting pissed with me.
At least Brett might be home in about 5 hours.
The showing is on Thursday and Friday... We're only going to be able to make it on Friday. My mom's offering to take me on Thursday too but I don't care to go without Brett.
It hasn't sunk in yet that my Uncle Jeff's really gone. He was always on the go and seemed invincible since I was a little girl.
I want him to be there to pick me up when it does.
Now, for me to go and clean... and deal with Aurora and Tyler Brat.
*sighs*
And the Nala Cat... dang spoiled kitty... she just got milk, turkey breast, chicken nuggets, and some of my hamburger. No wonder she's a fat cat!
18:55 Jul 14 2008
Times Read: 1,161
Why should it even matter to me that he left. It's not like anybody actually listens to me when I ask them to stay with me. I asked him to stay home, and he left.
Just like everyone else...
and he's the one who said I shouldn't be left alone today and someone should be here with me.
Yeah, right...
Aurora, Tyler, and Nala are here. That's all.
Looks like I'm turning to the kitty once again.
I've made it through worse situations then this by myself.. no one ever seems to listen when I ask them to stay with me.
What do I have to do? Beg?
Screw it.
05:26 Jul 14 2008
Times Read: 1,171
My Uncle Jeff died. He passed away at 8:20 p.m. this evening.
06:13 Jul 12 2008
Times Read: 1,177
So I got back from the thunder from down under thingy a little while ago.
I had fun but it SO wasn't worth the money!
I'll probably write more tomorrow but I'm buzzed right now, kind of driunk is more like it.
Some little old lady hit my heel cord with her cane to get to my slot machine! The Bitch!
I told her that she was going to burn in hell and I hoped Satan would fuck her in the ass with his dick and it would come out her eyes!
God damn it!
That was after I said excuse me and she didn't even apologize. I was buzzed at that point and it's my fuckin' heel cord!!!
Plus I was waiting on that machine for 15 minutes... probably longer.
And some dude around the slots bought me like three drinks... it had yummy jack in them. Mmmm. Yummy. I don't even know what else was in them... LOL!
I think I'm going night night right now or spending time with a Brett Brett.
I needed this night, minus old bitchy ladies...
*And Aurora got her first tooth today!*
Woo-hoo!
19:21 Jul 11 2008
Times Read: 1,182
In about six and a half hours... I'm going to be seeing male strippers in Thunder From Down Under with my mommy and my Aunt Crystal.
The last time I went to see strippers with them two and my Aunt Sue was for my 18th birthday! LOL!
My nipple ended up getting bruised and I was lectured for biting back. My Aunt Crystal got her freak on. My mom got tons a lap dances. And my Aunt Sue got on the pool table with one!
Haha! This will defiantly be something to remember.
I'm worried about how many people are going to be there but oh well. I think I will be fine.
I need to do something to get my mind off of so many things right now. I really do.
I need an escape.
I don't have to worry about Aurora because Brett's going to be home to watch her.
*And speaking of Aurora, she said her first word today! "Da-da" and I think she's connecting it with Brett! Yay!
Jealousy goes a long way with babies. And Aurora's missing her little boyfriend! I need to so get pictures of the two of them together!*
I Think I'm a Bad Friend...
08:04 Jul 11 2008
Times Read: 1,191
Why do I feel like I'm not true friend at all?
To anyone...
When my life gets complicated and drama filled, I cut people out of it. No matter how close they are. It happens.
I'm still avoiding Courtney. She left a message today.
I haven't talked to Meezy.
I refuse to talk to Amanda because of paranoid reasons.
I haven't talked to Jared, although I did reply him on MySpace.
I'm going to end up punching Nirguna eventually because he's annoying as hell and getting pissy about mine and Brett's characters.
And I just avoid everyone else.
I'm back to lurking on here and YIM because I don't want to talk.
Am I a bad friend?
Right now, I really think so.
I feel like I should be letting people be there for me like they're trying to be. Yet, I block them out so I might have a chance to think. Plus, it lessens the chances of me getting hurt by someone.
Observations
01:54 Jul 11 2008
Times Read: 1,203
Alright, so I went to see my uncle. I didn't like seeing him like that.
I remember that look. The one of far away glances trying to make a connection of who the person is.
My dad looked at me with that same look the morning he died.
I can't get away from it now.
I hate looking people in the eyes. It reveals too much of a person.
His seem so empty. I wonder how much of the conversation he comprehended.
I'm crying as I write and remember things about my dad.
This hits too close to it. I always stayed home with my dad and helped to take care of him.
I can't really do any of that for my uncle. I wouldn't be able to handle staying out there for too long because of all the insane drama going on that's being caused by his two daughters and my aunt.
Shouldn't they all just be concentrating on making his last days worth something?
Not being selfish and arguing about needing gas money, sleeping in, and getting to go see a boyfriend.
I can see what's going to happen now.
My uncle's going to die...
1. Cousin #1 is going to try taking everything to sell/pawn it.
2. Cousin #2 is going to me living there for nothing and doing nothing.
3. The aunt is going to go running to her boyfriend that she's had on the side for years.
What is wrong with this picture?
That's another reason why I can't look my uncle in the eyes... the only reason they're around him so much right now is because he's dying and they all want something out of the situation.
Sad, huh?
When I die, can I request who is around me and who's not?
Am I going to be allowed to be anti-social then?
Personally, I'm scared of death.
17:51 Jul 10 2008
Times Read: 1,212
Wish me luck. My mother's forcing me to go see my uncle today...
I'll be back whenever.
I'm not looking forward to this.
Urges of the Past
01:37 Jul 10 2008
Times Read: 1,222
I'm really tired of feeling like I'm just ignorant and brain-dead because I'm not able to concentrate enough to take in what someone's says to me.
I'm sorry I don't remember what you people said to me three days ago. I'm sorry I can't even hear most of a conversation.
I'm trying to pay attention. I just can't comprehend the words and meanings... as bad as that sounds.
To make matters worse, I scratched today.
It might not seem like a big deal to other people, but it is to me. I can't start all of this again.
I can't. I need to stop it before it gets out of hand.
I've been scratching here and there for the past month.
A total of five days where I've broken down to that point. I did it to just get through the day until Brett came home.
Then I tell or show him and talk to him.
He's jealous because I've gotten away with it.
And I'm jealous of him because he would be satisfied with just scratching but I...
I want more. I need more.
Yet, I can't have it. That pisses me off even more.
PRIVATE ENTRY
15:12 Jul 09 2008
Times Read: 1,223
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
Only Days To Go
13:31 Jul 08 2008
Times Read: 1,233
I wrote in my last entry that I got some really bad news about my Uncle Jeff.
Well the family that matter know about it now.
So here goes nothing...
My Uncle was diagnosed with a small-cell, fast-growing cancer. We were told he had less then six months... but we had some time.
My Aunt was just told yesterday to take her leave of absence from work because she needs to spend as much time with him as possible.
He has only days left...
What happened to the months?
This feels like I'm losing my daddy again. In fact I'm losing the man who's been a second father for me.
He's always been there for me.
It's my turn to be there for him, and I can't cope with it all.
It's too much like seeing my father going through everything again.
01:37 Jul 08 2008
Times Read: 1,243
I feel horrible. On top of what I've been feeling, I got some more bad news about my Uncle Jeff.
I just want my Brett Brett right now.
I want to cut.
I want to hurt.
But I'll be happy with just being in his arms...
Is it bad that I'm hoping he gets sent home from work early?
But it doesn't seem like it's happening tonight when I really need him to be here.
I Need Help
18:20 Jul 07 2008
Times Read: 1,252
I never thought the day would come where I would be terrified of losing someone so much that I would have an anxiety attack over losing a pocketknife.
Seems silly, huh?
It's a shame that it happened with me last night.
I feel like I'm doing and saying so many things wrong, why the hell is Brett even with me?
It feels like there's a ticking of a bomb I can't get away from and the counter is based on my own thoughts, actions, and words.
I had an appointment at the therapist today but didn't go because I was puking when it came time to leave for it. I had Brett call and cancel.
Now, I have to call and reschedule.
I hate the phone. I can't stand being on it. And no matter who it is on the other end, I just want off as soon as possible.
I haven't talked to Courtney or Jared in almost a month. I don't even know if Jared's still around or what.
I'm avoiding it like answering it or staying on it too long is going to end my life.
I just want to hide.
I know I need some anxiety medicine... I think my depression and the beginning of paranoia is mostly coming from it.
The thoughts of not being good enough, that I'm always fucking up, that I'm not going to make a good wife, I'm not a good mom, a good friend, a good rpg player... it goes from everything... even VR... my coven's suffering from it now, my friends, my family, everyone.
Even Courtney said it herself, "A true friend doesn't do this to one another."
Then how the hell do I stop it? I can't find a way.
I've tried! Believe me, I have! I can't stand feeling like this or thinking like this. I just want it to end.
04:02 Jul 04 2008
Times Read: 1,267
Nothing like finding out my 7 year old nephew has been spying on me and Brett!!!
I'm freakin' pissed about it and all my mom said was "Oh well, sorry about your luck."
I'm sorry I thought I had some kind of fuckin' privacy on my own side!
I'm sorry Aurora won't sleep upstairs so Brett and I stay downstairs in our living room!
I'm sorry we have fuckin' sex, tease each other, among other things!
I'm fuckin' sorry but somehow I'm failing to see where the hell this can be made out to be my fuckin' fault!!
A Little Bit of Details About a BIG Day!
05:48 Jul 02 2008
Times Read: 1,285
Maybe I should give more on our wedding to be, huh?
Well I don't care to spend a crap load of money so it's probably going to be an outdoor ceremony. It's a place that's kind of like a park and they wouldn't charge but it's pretty out there.
The preacher will be Preacher Dan... nothing like the preacher who is a biker that drinks whiskey from his flask and breaks out the weed! LOL!
As for the invitations... I'm hand-making them... every single one of them is going to be made by me. So no one invitation is going to look the same. It's all going to be done in script too. I'm going to invite some of my online friends... first one being Caitie!
Now for the best thing, Brett's helping me do something. He's helping me design my dress and he's going to be making it personally from scrap. I love him lots and I couldn't ask for more!
By the way, it's probably not happening until early next year. I will let everyone know the date when the time comes.
If you are a friend of mine and want an invitation, let me know. Please?
21:17 Jul 01 2008
Times Read: 1,296
Brett and I seriously sat down today for a little and talked about marriage.
This could get interesting.
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